Mommy, How Do They Do That?
by Theo 'Blitz' Leung
Summary: Welcome to the world of BlitzBall - the sport of Spira. You got to LOVE those physics they use in that sphere, though some of it seems unnatural...
1. Mommy, How Do They Do That?

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Mommy, How Do They Do That?

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By: Theodore 'Blitz' Leung

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theoleung@sprint.ca

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Final Fantasy, Squaresoft does, I'm just an author making fun of their mini game. 

**Author's Note:** Well, this would be my second chance at a Humour fic, dabbling into Final Fantasy X, my first being into Final Fantasy 9. I gave the same warnings as I do then, I'm not a very good humour writer, and it may be dry humour, but some people seemed to enjoy that before, so I'll try it again. 

The BlitzBall player grabbed the ball, initiating the start of the five minute first half of the BlitzBall game. The centre, being an idiot AI controlled player he is, rushes headfirst into the opposing centre, left wing, and right wing player. The ball handler gulps and panics, trying to find a way out.

"Quick, Venom Tackle 3!" the centre shouts, reeling back and preparing the strike.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait…!!!!!" the ball handler exclaims, stopping the Venom Tackle 3 with his protests. No one seems to care, time is halted for such mind bending decisions as these. "Can't you be a little more…civilized?" The three attackers exchange glances, shrugging.

"What would you recommend then?" the left wing asked, crossing his arms and waiting patiently.

"Well, I only have an Endurance rating of 4, can't you do something…just…a little less…poisony?" the ball handler pleaded, bowing his head. The right wing scratched the back of his head, wondering.

"Alright…um…how about…a Wither Tackle 2?" he offered, reeling back and preparing to attack.

"I'd prefer not…my Passing rating is already 6, I don't need it halved either…" he protested, juggling the ball around between his hands. The three exchanged glances again.

"How about a Nap Tackle?" the left wing suggested, wondering if that was satisfactory enough.

"Hmm…yeah…that just might do it…" the ball handler responded, thinking. "It wouldn't hurt that much, and I'd take a nap. I wouldn't have to worry about being attacked…and-"

POW! The centre slammed his fists into the ball handler and stole the ball, glancing left and right for no particular reason as the opposing wingers were where they were, at the wings, not moving since their entire conversation on choosing a tackle. Without hesitation, he rushed forward, making a blatant charge for the net. The napping centre of course couldn't chase, and wingers were running circles in the spot for some odd reason. The centre approached the net, only mere INCHES away from the goalie, deciding to take the shot. Both defenders were there to stop him.

"Alright, you can't stop me! I have my Super Hyper Dynamic Bouncy Reflecting Uber Omni Giga Unblockable Mega Blitz Shot MARK XXX!!" the centre exclaimed. Dropping the ball and kicking it towards the first defender. The ball bounced off her head and back towards the centre, who in turn, leaped up (somehow), showed off a back flip that kicked the ball into the other defender's face, which repelled back. A 180 degree spin with a back punch threw the ball back into the first defender who then bounced into the second defender then back into the first like a ball between two pinball bumpers. It finally sailed back to the shooter, who quickly spun 10800 degrees and then blasted the ball at the goalie who was still only INCHES away.

After a minute of waiting, the ball FINALLY sails towards the net, flying PAST the shooter, PAST the defenders, and then towards the goalie. Some how, the ball stopped right in front of the goalie, who sized up the situation, prepared his Grip Gloves to attempt to catch it, then waited as his Catching rating fluctuated with the Super Goalie ability. Then, after that was settled, the ball just shot into the net, with no chance of catching it. You'd think they wouldn't even try if they couldn't catch it. Ah well. GOAL!!

* * * * * *

The Blitzball was back into the hands of the once sleeping centre, who was rudely awakened by his team mates and the crowd who cheered like mad men on the first goal that took abnormally long to score. Once again, being the stupid AI he was, he tried to rush through the centre and once again meeting the three.

"Um…" he started, but before he could even protest, the right winger smacked him to sleep again with a Nap Tackle, stealing the ball from the sleeping body in the water. With a triumphant cry, the right wing swam forward with all his speed. He climbs the right flank, as the opposing right wing seems to be swimming in circles again…

Time freezes! The ball handler swings back a few feet as the defender he engaged swings back as well, giving them some breathing space. The defender tackles, but somehow, without even think and without even a single movement, the ball handler 'leaps!' up and somersaults over the defender, evading the attack. With a triumphant cry, he continued forward until he's almost at the net, all open. He stops, and prepares for his next action. Slowly, he pulls the ball back…

…and passes it ALL the way back to his own defender! Unfortunately for him, shooters tend to have really bad Passing stats. The ball sails to the defender, but because it basically dwindled to about negative a trillion, she fumbles the ball! Somehow, it floats off somewhere as every player freezes watching. Slowly, it floats to the other defender, who…initiates a Volley Shot 2! She FIRES it off from the defence line, with her TWO Shoot rating! It flies…and flies…and flies…past all the motionless players and right towards the net.

Once again, the ball halts for seconds in front of the goalie, as he quickly gets his Grip Gloves on and then runs the Super Goalie ability again, though he SHOULD be able to catch it, considering it was already at something like minus infinity, but that's beside the point. It's the principle of things!

The goalie leaps for the ball and fumbles it! It goes flying off, into the hands of an ally defender who…what's this? Fires off her own Volley Shot, using her high Shooting rating of 6! Once again the ball sails forth, past all the motionless players, and they way the shoot was angled, it seemed to go through one of the player's head. Oh well, it reaches the net and…

* * * * * *

The fans were cheering wildly as the ball sailed back in forth in a spectacular display of defenders firing Volley Shots at each other's net with no hope of scoring. In the stands, a pair are watching, a mother and her child, holding onto the side and watching with not as much enthusiasm as the other patrons.

"Mommy, how come it's only five minute halves?" the child asked her mother, who was too into the game to actually notice her child ask that. When asked again, she finally snapped back to her child.

"Just because they felt like it," she answered quickly, continuing to watch the ball bounce fro and back in the sphere like volleyball. Shrugging, the child went back to the game, though another question struck.

"Mommy, how do they breath underwater for so long?" the child asked next, but didn't get an answer. He returned back to the game as the halftime buzzer rang. On cue, every player in the field started gagging, unable to hold their breath any longer as they made a long and quick swim to the edge of the sphere, where they just…fell out?

The child was satisfied, finding out why the game of BlitzBall only had 5 minute halves. He sat back down, waiting for the players to hyperventilate while gasping for air and then commencing into the second half.

* * * * * *

The second half began as the ball was thrown straight to the top of the sphere before coming down and conveniently landing onto the hands of the awaiting centre. He gasped, surprised as he saw the three opposing forwards charge him.

"Oh, screw THIS!" he exclaimed, before throwing the ball to the closest enemy forward, the left winger at the time. He then induced sleep on himself, somehow, though. It was odd enough to be sleeping in a pool of water suspended with a sphere, but odder yet he induced it on himself. The left wing didn't mind though, rushing forward in an attempt to expand past their current 1-0 lead. He charged forward, deciding to shoot before his opponent's defence could engage him. He dropped the ball and kicked it hard. Somehow, the ball zig zagged left and right, up and down, before finally heading back onto its original path, not deviating at all. Once again, it froze just right in front of the goalie, and once again, he applied his Grip Gloves, then his Super Goalie ability, and then he caught it, yes, caught it.

Triumphantly, he threw the ball back into the field of play, ricocheting off the sleeping centre, awakening him. He gasped in surprise, but the ball was already past his reach and landed into the hand of the ally left winger. With his pursuit back at his net, only the defence and goalie would hinder his path. He approached the first defender, preparing to endure the hit of the defence and continue on.

"You're can't stop me!" he gloated, holding out the ball to them mockingly. Both defence exchanged glances, before leaping forward, tackling the winger with no remorse. He was knocked out, not to a Nap Tackle, just to the fact his Endurance rating was around 15 versus the combined power of 50 from the defence.

The new ball handler passed the ball to the front line, only to have it fumbled by the idiot centre of their team. It landed right into the hands of the left defender, who stared at the ball. She was approached by one of the opposing forwards.

"You're mine baby!" he taunted, before diving forward for the ball. He halted just short of collision, staring into her eyes, infatuated with her beauty.

"What?" she asked, wondering what was going through the attackers mind at the moment.

"You're the most ravishing women I've ever seen…" he muttered, eyes wide, admiring her figure. She blinked once, then twice.

"Are you trying to…HIT ON ME?" she gasped, obviously disgusted, but that didn't seem to affect the attacker.

"How about you hold my ball after this game," he offered, and then the female defender just had enough.

"You low down, disgusting, obnoxious…PIG!" she screamed, before kicking the ball in uncontrollable anger, which, knocked the air of the attacker from…well, we'll pass on that.

The ball sailed past everyone at Mach 10 speeds, throwing the one who reflected the attack right into the stands, holding his area. He groaned in agony and pain, eyes closed tightly. Slowly, he recovered, opening his eyes, seeing about 15 women watching over him.

"Um…hi ladies…" he mumbled, trying on a sly grin as he glanced at each of them, rather dirtily. They gasped.

"You PIG!" they all screamed, before piling onto the player and using their purses and fists to beat the player into the ground. Surrounding spectators sweat dropped, before turning back to the game, trying not to let the fight bother them.

Oh, by the wall, the way the ball was flying, it scored, throwing the goalie into his own net and tying the game at 1-1. The buzzer went off for the end of the game, as the players once again gagged for air, except for the angered female defender and the knocked out male offender. He was…well…let's just say he won't be playing BlitzBall for the next few years.

"Humph, serves him right," the defender muttered, going to join her suffocating team mates in their locker room.

**

Fin

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**Author's note:** Well, that ends that. Another lame-o, dry humour-ful fic by this stupid author. Short, sweet, and I'm trying to bash the physics of BlitzBall, though I enjoy the game. I wonder if I did a good job. Ah well. Hope you enjoyed reading it.


	2. Mommy, Why Do They Do That?

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Mommy, Why Do They Do That?

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By: Theodore 'Blitz' Leung

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theoleung@sprint.ca

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Final Fantasy X, Squaresoft does. I'm just an author making fun of their mini-game (AGAIN)

**Author's Note:** Welcome to the second installation of the growing single-chapter-fic in a FFX Humour fic. That made no sense what so ever at all, but I'm not suppose to make sense. Ah well, time for the usual warnings that I generally suck at Humour fics and that if you appreciate dry humour, go right ahead and read. I'm warning you…I really suck…read at your own discretion of lameness and llama-ness! …okay that was bad…I'll just say my humour seems to work, so I'll keep working on it.

* * *

With the sound of a whistle and the great…spinning…of the BlitzBall as it is thrown into the…thrown up…it spins and spins and spins, deciding which side it wants to be on first. After a few seconds of deciding, it mysteriously vanishes and reappears into the hand of the centre, who just happened to leap for it in a fight against the opposing centre, but both are miles apart. Strange, but no use complaining, let's watch as the game is up and running!

The centre glances around, making sure no one was nearby, though that would seem rather unlikely considering it's the start of the game and NO ONE is suppose to be near you.

"Let's go!" the centre shouts out in muffled cry through the water that no one can hear, but he didn't care, he rushed forward…straight into the three forwards of the opposing team.

"Hah, I'm not afraid of you!" he shouted, before getting a massive punch to the face. Somehow, he held onto the ball, clutching his bruised face.

"!@#@!$#$@!$!@$#@!#$!@$#@%$@!%$#@^#^#$%#@$#@!^%$#!#@$$~$#@!%%%(%$#!%&@($#*(!)&#@%($#)(!)(%)()%&$)(&%&$@%&#!(&%@!&#(%&(#@&(%~&#@()~#&%()#(&)@#%(&#@%(&$%))$&)(#$()@~(#@%&&#~@()%(~)@#(&~(&#@%(&%~%(~%#(%(#%&~#@" he cursed loudly and for obscenely amounts of time. Angered, he reeled his arm back, preparing his attack.

"NAP PASS 3!" he exclaimed, throwing the ball to the closest ally forward: the left wing. Somehow, the ball curved back towards the closest enemy forward, knocking him to sleep and bouncing towards the next forward, putting her to sleep before CURVING back towards the left winger, who caught it and somersaulted with the force. Grinning, the left forward rushed…er…forward…heading straight for the net with only the defence to oppose him.

"Let's have some fun!" the forward remarked, giving a few winks towards the defence. Disgusted, the first defender rushed forward into a Venom Tackle 3.

"Oh no, Left Forward has been poisoned!" the left forward shouted out, gagging as he turned…green…with a cloud around his body. With inspiration to cause bodily harm in…many regions of the body, the second defender lunged forward into a……

A regular tackle with an attack rating of four…who the hell makes these roster line ups?! Ah well, the left forward is now unopposed, shooting with his uncontested shooting skill against the goalie with…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…with 6 catching ability! Upon closer inspection…we see his tech list:

Grip Gloves!

Super Goalie!

Anti-Wither

Volley Shot!....?

Sphere….Shot…?

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH~~

Anyway, I won't even bother with the dramatics. The ball is shot and scored, without nothing else in a brilliant display of flashiness as the goalie couldn't reach it. Well, so much for not being dramatic.

* * * * * *

Once again, the ball begins to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin and spin and spin…okay, I'm getting dizzy.

The BlitzBall is thrown into the…thrown up and then mysteriously materializes into the hands of the centre on the losing team. Grinning, he rushed forward with his 74 speed rating! Nothing can keep up! Faster then a speeding…BlitzBall! He rushed forward, weaving through the network of opposing players, unopposed as no one can touch him. Grinning again, he led the pursuing five away from the other forwards.

"Those incompetent idiots…" he remarked, not realizing the centre himself was also an incompetent idiot, but that was beside the point. Without any opposition, he threw the ball forward towards the forward farthest away from the column of pursuers. They halted, the revelation dawning on them as they watched…emotionless…as the ball just sailed by…and…hey, did the ball just go through one of their heads? Oh hell, who cares, it ended up in the hands of the forward, who quickly shoot it into the net with his superior shooting ability.

GOAL!!!

* * * * * *

Start of the third face off, and the score is tied 1-1! So far, we have had an amazing display of players using geometry to its advantage as well as the incompetent pillar of fools who shouldn't chase then anyone they can't chase. The strategies are tight and…and…and…and…and…and…rather STUPID, but it doesn't matter if it works.

Back on topic, the centre grabs the ball, the original centre, since the baka author doesn't specify anything anyway, leaving it to your imagin-

*Narrator is promptly toasted*

…

The centre grabs the ball, this time not taking the time to Nap Pass or anything technical like that, just passes it straight off to the right forward this time. Without further adeu, the right forward quickly swam forward, dodging all attacks thus far with relative ease until he hit the wall of defenders right in front of the net, mind you, somehow avoiding the guy with 74 speed, but we'll ignore that discrepancy for now.

"…why can't I swim up and down like in the cool CG scenes?" the right forward wondered, recalling the pretty images…

Shaking the thought out of his mind, he confronted the…five…opting to shoot his way through everything!

…oh great…the right forward just initiated the speech…

"You fool!"

"Alone you may beat us!"

"But together you will not!"

"For there are strength in numbers!"

"And we are the…"

All together now…

"Blitzer RANGERS!" *All five strike a pose*

Cue sweatdrop please…you know what, forget about it, the right forward is probably already embarrassed for fighting these kinds of…Blitzers anyway.

The first…for lack of better term…Ranger strikes, rushing forward…only to hit water as the right forward initiates a Tackle Slip tech!

Wait, here comes the second Ranger…striking…rushing forward…oh no! He hits water too as another Tackle Slip is activated!

And the third…

And the fourth…

And the…oh hell, I won't even finish the sentence. So much for the Rangers…

You know what, if the Rangers can't even stop this one lone attacker with their own team, I won't even bother narrating this next part. It's so sad and disgusting. I mean, how can five people not take down one lone person? These Blitzer Rangers must SUCK and I mean S-U-C-K and SUCK a lot of $#-…

*ZAP*

The right forward shoots and scores.

* * * * * *

Blitzoff!

The…for lack of better ways to describe…centre grabs the ball, using his 74 speed to his fullest and rushing forward AGAIN, weaving through the intricate web of players which he so easily dodged, and dodged, and dodged.

The last line of defence lay in the hands of one defender in front of the net. They faced off.

"Hi, my name is Botta, I have slightly high attack power and basically suck in all other fields, including Passing and Endurance. My techniques range from Venom Shoot 3, Venom Pass 3, Venom Tackle 3, Pile Venom…and um…

"Elite Defence, right?" the centre asked.

"Actaully, Sphere Shot."

"…what the !@$(#@!&%#($%@$!%(!$(%($!%$!%!$()%*$@)(%&!$@(!)#@!$#@%)($!%()$!%*$@)(%$@)&%)$@)(%)((%)$@%*)*$)%()$%()@#)($@)(%)$@%()$!(%)$@%@$#%!#@(%!($@%$(%&(@%(&@$#%(!#@(%!#@(%(!@$%($(%!@#($%$@(%($@(%!($%($@(%&@#(%&(@%(#@(%@#(%(!#@%((@$%(!@$%(&!@(%&(@!$(%&(!&$@%(&$(%&($&%($#&@(@#($(#@*($@%$%&(#@ are you doing with SPHERE SHOT?!"

"I don't know," Botta replied, shrugging. "Oh, by the way, you may want to shoot before you run out of ti-…oh, too late, there goes the buzzer."

"….!@#!@$#!$#$!#@$#@$!@#!#@%$@!%!@$!@#$!@#$!@#%#@%$@#@$#@%$@!%$#@#@%!$#@%(&%!($@%()$@*)(%($@)%(&!@#)$()*#(!@%*($@)(%&#@($*#!*@)(($()%$!(%*($&%$#(%)$)$!#^*$!#(^!@)()*#@%!()$*^!)$(&%)(#@&%)(!@&$)($!)(%)(&$#$!(*(^!($#!($@%($@!(%(#@!*%^$@!()^%($@*!^%(@$()%(!@#()^!(^!&..."

"Geeze, you make Cid look nice…"

* * * * * *

The child tugged on his mother's jacket, trying to get her attention, though she was still drawn into the game, despite it being halftime. Another tug got her attention.

"Mommy, why do they have to be so incompetent…?" the child asked, making her mother gasped.

"My, how did you learn that word?!" the mother questioned, not hearing such a sophisticated word from such a small child before.

"The narrator used it, do you know why?" the child asked, ignorant.

"Oh, it's just because the narrator is an idiot, that's why," the mother answered, returning her attention to the game that was going through halftime.

And she calls me an idiot, she's cheering for a non-existent halftime show.

"Mommy, why do they swear so much? Why am I at a game like this? I shouldn't be hearing those words, should I?" the child asked, bombarding her mother with questions as she starred dubiously at her child.

"I'll give you 500 gill if you can shut up and watch the game," she replied, dropping 500 gill into her child's hand. The child grinned lightly, drawing his attention back towards the non-existent halftime show.

* * * * * *

The score is 2-1 at the start of the first blitzoff on the second half and the intensity is on! The…'Rangers'…are pressed to make another goal but their opposition ends up with the ball first. In an attempt to stall for time, the centre quickly throws the ball backwards to Botta. The Besaid Auroch caught the ball, holding onto it tightly while waiting for the forwards of the Rangers to rush forward and reclaim it. They kept rushing, and rushing, and rushing, stopping a few feet away from Botta. They exchanged glances, then quickly swam backwards towards their starting position, making Botta wonder.

When there, all the Rangers started swimming in circles on the spot, as though they were dancing…synchronized dancing…the opposing team stared, wondering, as Botta watched in wonderment.

…soon, everyone but Botta was swimming in circles, with nothing to do but to…swim.

"Oh m GAH…this isn't BlitzBall, this is synchronized swimming!" Botta exclaimed, much afraid now of his team mates and his opposition. He held the ball close, curling up into a ball himself and clasping his hands together.

"Oh please lord…make this torture stop, I promise I won't sin again, this is too much torture, how could you make them synchronize swim like that?! How?! WHY?! It's too much…" Botta cried out, weeping as the torture continued and continued.

"Come on Botta…stay strong…for the good of the team…stay strong…" he whispered, trying to ignore the dancing and the crowd who was still cheering despite the…um…revelation. Geeze, they're all incompetent, aren't they?

And there goes the buzzer (thank God). Well, I hope you all enjoyed that session of BlitzBall today at Luca Stadium!

**

Fin

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**Author's Note:** Well, that ends that. And yes, some of this did happen…you can tell I've been Blitzing too long if I can do all this. Anyway, it was rather stupid and the what not, but I took at shot at it. I'm tired…I'm very tired…and my humour is dry and sucky, but people to seem to enjoy it, so I will continue to write in sucky and dry humour. Maybe I'll make another fic that bashes BlitzBall…hmm…more like specific teams, whee!


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